The Grape Debate Reimagined

Or, How Funions Shatter Wine Pairing and Color Preconceptions

OK, when I say “color preconceptions,” I’m not talking about diversity and inclusion here. I just want to be clear on that. I’m only referring to Simple Axioms that we wine drinkers tend to accept, so that the world makes sense and we don’t wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. These axioms include:

–White wine is best chilled.
–Red wine is best slightly below room temperature.
–Red meat pairs with red wine.
–Lighter meats pair with white wine.
–Drier wines go with meals.
–Sweeter wines are best with dessert, or breakfast, or lunch, or after dinner. Or before.

We all know, deep inside, that the world might be a much more complex place than these simple precepts can explain, but overall they have guided our thinking. Until now.

My axiom-laden, ordered world started to come apart when I met my niece Jorie’s boyfriend, Justin. He seemed like such a nice young man — friendly, talented, and a really good cook. I didn’t dream that he would soon be responsible for turning my world upside down and making me question everything that I had ever believed. No, maybe I’m being a bit harsh here.  Actually, he only made one simple comment. He suggested, and I quote, “Why don’t you try a wine pairing with Funions?“

Silence. Then I finally said, “What’s a Funion?”

I believe it was Jorie who then uttered something about how people my age probably don’t know what Funions are, but eventually I was educated about the existence of these little crispy imitation onion rings that you buy in a bag like potato chips, that actually taste … oniony! Boy, it’s amazing what these young folks come up with nowadays! Well, I decided to dive into a full-blown experiment featuring two different Funions products and three wines from Mirassou winery. First, the Funions: I purchased the standard military-spec Funions (I just made up that descriptor), and also the potent “Flamin’ Hot” Funions.

I purchased three wines from Mirassou, a 2019 Pinot Grigio, a 2018 Pinot Noir, and a 2019 Cabernet Sauvignon. The Pinot Grigio and the Cabernet from Mirassou were new to me, but I have had the Pinot Noir several times. Each time, I have come away very impressed with how solid this varietal is at the price point, around $10. I know there are many who say that you can’t make a decent Pinot Noir at that price, but I believe Mirassou has done it, over and over again. The Cabernet and the Pinot Grigio were both nice surprises; the Cabernet is velvety with a good varietal nose, and the Pinot Grigio is light, crisp, and waaayy too easy to drink. After sampling the wines, Jorie, Justin, my sibling in-laws Barbara and Charlie, and I set about the task of determining whether Funions are a viable choice when faced with the age-old dilemma of choosing the right junk food to go along with your wine. After all, this is the “Wine and Junk Food Survival Guide,” and this is my job, which I take very seriously.

I believe it was Barbara who said that the flavor from the Flamin’ Hot Funion exploded in the mouth, but that the Pinot Grigio blended surprisingly well, softening the heat and blending with – of all things – the onion flavor. Hmm. That can’t be right. I tried the same combination and, you know, she was right! Justin and Jorie both came to the conclusion that the white wine was indeed pairing better with the red Funions, whereas the Pinot Noir (and to a lesser extent the Cabernet) seemed to work best with the milder, white Funions. Hmm. That can’t be right either. I looked at Charlie. He simply kept on drinking and eating without comment, then drifted off to make a milkshake. After many sips of red and white wine, and many crunches of red and white Funions, I gradually became aware of the staggering paradox. The pairings did not follow the traditionally accepted color assignments. But they had to … they needed to. This paradigm shift was right up there with finding out that the world is not a globe at all, but one of those exercise treadmill/wheels, like the ones that gerbils run on all day long. I drank more, and the more I tasted, the more it confirmed the new paradigm. The room started spinning as I contemplated the implications of our discovery. At least, I firmly believe that the implications caused the room to spin. It could not possibly have been the wine.

I don’t believe that Barbara and Charlie realized how important this discovery was to the future of mankind, because they wandered away to do other things, probably involving the Chicago Cubs.  Justin, Jorie, and I stayed around to replicate our findings through further testing, and then to discuss relevant, related topics, such as the comparative shelf lives of Pinot Grigio and Flamin’ Hot Funions. Hey, these seemed like important topics at the time, and the longer the evening went, and the more Mirassou wine was consumed, the more important these topics became. I will report back to you, Dear Readers, the results of those discussions, just as soon as I remember them. If I can’t, I’m sure it’s Justin’s fault.